on turning 33

There will be no rights of passage this year. I can already buy lotto tickets, go to the bar, car insurance has decreases and I can't yet get the senior discount. But its here, 33 years old. Dang, that is getting awfully close to 35 and.....eeeeekkkkkkk......40. A little too close for comfort because I don't feel like I have it all figured out yet and people who are 33 are supposed to have it figured out, their ducks in a row, poop in a group....ya know.

"Every time I think I have my ducks in a row, I turn around & one of those fuckers has waddled off":

I never in a million years envisioned the life I'm living at 33. I thought that by the time I was 33 I'd have a job (which I do), I'd have a husband (which I do not), I'd have at least one little rugrat running around (which I do not), I'd have a house with a yard (which I do), I'd have a dog (which I do) and I'd have a white picket fence (which I do not). Although there is an absence of a few major life events that I thought I would have checked off by the time I was 33, there are quite a few things that I do have that I never even dreamed of and for that, I'm thankful.

I have memories that probably wouldn't have happened if I'd lived out what I thought my life path was going to be to 33.

I wouldn't be the mostly independent girl (still freaks me out to say woman) that I am.
I wouldn't have tried (and loved) mountain biking, wakeboarding and skiing.
I wouldn't have the memories of many weekend trips with friends.
I wouldn't have the experience of moving to brand new states, knowing next to no one.
I wouldn't have hiked a 14'er.
I wouldn't have vacationed in Europe or Hawaii
I wouldn't have a trip to Peru to hike the 28-mile Ancient Inca Trail to Machu Picchu booked.
I wouldn't have a trip to the Galapagos Islands to snorkel and hike booked.
I wouldn't have lost 50 lbs.
I wouldn't have the memories of Birthday Weekends.
I wouldn't have run 1 half marathon, much less 2.
I wouldn't (probably) even live in Wyoming.

Not to say you can't do these things if you are married and have kids and a white picket fence, but I think its a lot harder and I just don't think I would have put forth the effort that I have to do these things. I tend to put others before myself and just thinking about a family makes me realize that they would go before me....so I need to do "me time" before I do the family thing.  There are more than just yourself and your dog to worry about taking care of. Tylie doesn't panic when I up and leave for a couple weeks and don't call.....well she does, but she can't voice that or dial the phone so I pretend like she doesn't panic.

I think a lot about what I don't have, wondering if I'll ever have those things and I question if I am willing to trade my freedom and independence for those things and all I can come up with is....not yet. Could that change tomorrow? Yes. Have I found out completely who I am yet? Not yet.

I like who I am finding in myself, but I think there is more to me than just what's in 33 year old me. And right now who I want to be looks something like this (I think....we will probably have to ask 43 year old me if I was off my rocker in 10 years).

Who I want to be physically - I was to be a strong, fit role model for those around me. I want to lift heavy weights, I want to ski, I want to mountain bike and I want to use health to see the world from places that are off the beaten path. I want to wear cute clothes and not brush my hair. And I want another tattoo. I want to do....not simply be. I want to be pretty and smile a lot. I want to be happy.

Who I want to be emotionally - I want to believe in myself and I want to believe there is good in others. I want to be proud of who I am. I want to be confident and I want to inspire others to be the best version of themselves that they can be. I want to get involved with projects/organizations that I truly believe in, that make the area they serve a better place to live. I want to make a difference in people's lives.

Who I want to be mentally - I want to be more involved in the political process of a Presidential  election.....not like actually volunteering or something crazy like that, but I want to be aware and really research the candidates and make sure my vote counts the way I think it should. I want to be the best person that I can be in my career, even if my career happens to change somewhere down the road. I want to rock the "classes" that I am considering signing up for. I want to learn Spanish. I want to read books (ones with real paper pages) and be up to date on current events.

"The goal is not to change who you are but to become more of who you are at your best." - Sally Hogshead:

1 comment:

  1. YES!! I love this. And you are so right. Even though the path may not have led where you thought you were going, it led where you needed to go. And what a great, full life you are living! And when the right guy comes along, he'll be lucky to be part of it. And for real, the dang ducks....

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